ONE OF THE most unjust claims against Islam is that husbands have been given permission to beat their wives. Such critics ignore the fact that prior to Islam, women in Arabia had no rights whatsoever. Islam provided them the right to choose their own spouse, the right to hold jobs, the right to manage their own property, the right to inherit from their brothers, husbands, fathers and sons, as well as the right to divorce. Such rights were not afforded to women until some 1300 years later in the western world, but Islam granted women all these rights more than fourteen centuries ago.
Such critics also ignore the fact that using physical violence against women is a problem that extends beyond any specific community – Muslim or otherwise. Domestic violence will affect 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in their lifetimes in the UK.140 The latter statistic is often ignored or neglected, since violence against women often has more serious consequences than violence against men; however, each of these can be as psychologically injurious as the other.
In the UK currently, alcohol is one of the biggest contributory factors for domestic violence. Research has shown that it contributes directly to between 30-40% of all cases of domestic violence.’141 The Institute of Alcohol Studies describes the relationship between alcohol and domestic violence in the following way:
Research with police officers in the North East of England found some officers unable to remember the last time they went to a domestic incident where alcohol was not involved, with 93% of them regarding alcohol as having a ‘large impact’ on domestic violence. Cases involving severe violence are twice as likely as others to include alcohol, and other research found that the risk of rape was twice as high for attacks involving drinking offenders.142
It should be clear then that the Islamic injunction of prohibiting alcohol is an extremely significant step in curtailing and preventing domestic abuse. This is a reality often ignored by critics of Islamic teachings.
The basis for the allegation that Islam sanctions the beating of wives is sought to be invoked on the basis of the following verse of the Holy Quran:
Men are guardians over women because Allah has made some of them excel others, and because they (men) spend of their wealth. So virtuous women are those who are obedient, and guard the secrets (of their husbands) with Allah’s protection. And as for those on whose part you fear nushūz, admonish them and leave them alone in their beds, and chastise them (iḍribūhunna). Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Surely, Allah is High, Great.143
The salient points in this verse for the reader to be aware of are that a man is permitted three avenues against a wife who behaves in a way that is described in the Holy Quran as nushūz, which we have left untranslated in the above quotation, as it has multiple meanings. Al-Mufridāt Fī Gharībil Qurān by Imām Rāghib is the most widely accepted, authentic dictionary of the Holy Quran, and under the root letters for nushūz, it has the following entry:
نُشُوْزُ الْمَرْأۃِ بَعْضُھَا زَوْجَھَا وَ رَفْعُ نَفْسِھَا عَنْ طَاعَتِہِ وَ عَیْنِھَا عَنْہ اِلیٰ غَیْرِہ
Nushūz by a woman means: (1) She holds a grudge against her husband, and (2) rebels against him, and (3) has an extra-marital relationship.
In other words, there are three stages of nushūz which correspond to the three avenues the husband can take in order to save his marriage:
First: At the first stage of nushūz, he should advise and admonish.
Second: At the second stage, he should temporarily cease sexual relationships with the wife.
Third: At the final stage of the wife’s rebellion from the marriage where she intends to, or begins to, have an extra marital relationship, the husband is allowed to lightly chastise her.
Thus, it is not that husbands are allowed to “beat” wives at the slightest disagreement with their husbands, or a show of disregard for marriage itself. They have to take other means and a steps-based approach.
Furthermore, Lane’s lexicon discusses the word nushūz and gives the following meanings:
1. To rise and stand up in opposition
2. To contend and fight with someone
3. To cause someone to vomit with fright
4. To hate someone
5. To act injuriously against another
6. To desert someone
7. An evil companion
It is clear then that the word nushūz covers a variety of types of behaviours, from simply altercating with someone, all the way to hating them, deserting them and plotting against their well-being. As such, we can understand if a wife adopts a behaviour that is destructive to a healthy, loving relationship, and insists on it, is disobedient, expresses hatred, and even physically abuses or injures the husband, the Quran instructs the husband at this stage to not immediately resort to chastisement, even lightly. Instead, he is instructed to adopt a step-based approach that can take days, or even weeks to implement effectively. This form of restraint and patience that the husband is expected to demonstrate, in reaction to an abusive wife, is a unique form of teaching that cannot be found anywhere else.
The steps that the husband is instructed to take are as follows144:
First: If the wife’s behavior is nushūz, the first step for the husband is to advise and admonish her. He is not allowed to chastise her. What is important to note here is that the length of time or number of times are not specified. No one can claim that the Quran specifies a number of attempts to advise before proceeding to the next step. In this sense, this step can take a long period of time, and step two is to be adopted only after this step fails to work after fulfilling all its conditions.
Second: If the wife’s behavior continues to be nushūz despite sufficient attempts at reform, the husband’s next step is to cease sexual relationship with the wife. This step is again harder for the husband to fulfill as compared to the wife. What is important to note is that it is not stated that the husband should force the wife out of the bedroom. Instead, the husband is the one who has to make the sacrifice and leave the wife, and sleep in another room or another bed. The hope is that this separation will create the environment so that a proper reformation is achieved, and the marriage can return to normalcy.
Third: Despite the cessation of sexual relationship, if the wife continues to act in a way that is destructive and continues to exercise behavior that can be defined as nushūz, which makes life difficult for the husband, and is harmful to the marriage, the husband is allowed at this point to lightly chastise her.
In the event that the husband has to take this recourse to chastisement, Prophet Muhammadsa has clarified that it should not be the form of chastisement which is on the face or that which leaves a mark on the body.145 As a result, this is a symbolic form of punishment left for the most exceptional of situations. No wonder then that there is no incident in the life of Prophet Muhammadsa when he had to chastise any of his wives. On the other hand, if the husband abuses this last recourse afforded to him, and is harsh with his wife in any way, the wife has the option to take the matter to an Islamic judge for resolution.
A great scholar of the Holy Quran, Hazrat Ibn ‘Abbāsra, was once asked about this chastisement in the following narration146:
Hazrat ‘Atā asked Hazrat ‘Abbās, “What do the words ghaira mubarraḥ mean?” He said, “Chastising them [that is, one’s wife] with miswāk or something similar to it”.
Here the word miswāk refers to small twigs used for teeth-cleaning in ancient times. They were also commonly used by Prophet Muhammadsa and others in his time. In other words, the form of chastisement that is allowed here is extremely small. The reality is that even holding a woman strongly leaves a mark on her, which is not allowed. Hence, the real form of chastisement mostly becomes symbolic, and to a very limited extent.
Another point to be understood here is that the Holy Quran lays out both general commandments and principles, along with detailed commandments pertaining to specific situations. All verses on a given topic must be considered, analyzed, and understood collectively. The Holy Quran itself explains that only those have true knowledge of the Holy Quran who judiciously consider a matter by looking at all the relevant verses in the whole of the Quran instead of reading verses in isolation or cherry-picking quotes to suit preconceived notions:
He it is Who has sent down to thee the Book; in it there are verses that are decisive in meaning — they are the basis of the Book — and there are others that are susceptible of different interpretations. But those in whose hearts is perversity pursue such thereof as are susceptible of different interpretations, seeking discord and seeking wrong interpretation of it. And none knows its right interpretation except Allah and those who are firmly grounded in knowledge; they say, ‘We believe in it; the whole is from our Lord.’ — And none heed except those gifted with understanding.147
Thus, we should first look at the general context within which Islam teaches that a husband and a wife should live together in problem-free and amicable circumstances. Subsequently, it will be easier to comprehend the teachings of Islam on how to behave under strained and difficult circumstances.
The Holy Quran teaches that a husband and wife are created for each other to attain happiness and peace:
And one of His Signs is this, that He has created wives for you from among yourselves that you may find peace of mind in them, and He has put love and tenderness between you. In that surely are Signs for a people who reflect.148
O ye who believe! it is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will; nor should you detain them wrongfully that you may take away part of that which you have given them, except that they be guilty of a flagrant evil; and consort with them in kindness; and if you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing wherein Allah has placed much good.149
The above words in particular lay down a key principle in dealings between husband and wife: consort with them in kindness. The key word, translated as kindness, is ma‘rūf, which according to Lane’s Lexicon means “that which is accepted by all parties as good and beneficial” or “that which is acknowledged as beneficial by all”. It means that a husband should interact with his wife in a manner that is recognized by her as acceptable and agreeable, thus rendering the relationship consensual.
Islamic teachings remind men that their relationships should be a means of attaining “peace of mind” and that the relationship should be one of “love and tenderness”. They are further reminded to behave in a manner that is forgiving; and that if one dislikes something about one’s wife, one should realise that there may be many latent benefits and elements of saving grace in the very thing one dislikes. Men are further prohibited from “inheriting women against their will”, cutting to the root of forced marriages that are so prevalent in some cultures. Such teachings demonstrate that a wife is not a slave, but an equal companion, whose rights must be respected and safeguarded.
It is in this particular context of the above-described ideal relationship between a husband and his wife that the teaching is given to a husband who is faced with a recalcitrant, abusive, hating and injurious wife. The man is advised to begin with relevant advice and necessary words of admonition as measures to ameliorate the situation and address the issues involved. If this approach persistently fails to bring about the desired results and the wife continues to behave in physically or verbally abusive ways, the husband is commanded next to proceed to the stage of temporarily forsaking sexual relations with his wife.
This particular step is in fact the key to the process of reconciliation. It is very likely that during this period of time, the feelings of erstwhile emotional ties, and memories of earlier happy experiences together, would lead them both to lowering their egos and reconciling without letting the situation get worse and further escalate.
In the case that such temporary cessation of sexual relations does not bring about reconciliation and the wife continues in a manner that is abusive, injurious to the relationship, and goes to the extent of seeking another man, the husband is given permission to take a physical action in a limited and contained way, to try to protect the family from break-up based on what is manifested as rebelliousness that may well be possible to address. This is a sort of ‘last ditch effort’ for the husband to not just sit idly by while his spouse is veering towards an extra-marital arrangement. This is the n-th degree scenario, not a common prescription to be adopted in everyday disagreements in family life.
The word used for such a physical action is iḍribūhunna. Translating this word as “beating” or “striking”, both of which in English carry the connotation of injury and harm, is to misrepresent the teachings of the Holy Quran. It should be noted that according to current legislation in the United States and United Kingdom, “physical abuse” is defined in a manner very similar to how Prophet Muhammadsa of Islam defined it 1400 years ago: “an intentional act that causes injury or trauma to another person, through bodily contact”. Islamic teachings are vehemently opposed to any such “physical abuse” perpetrated by any man against his wife. Serious action should be taken against such people who abuse their wives with violence and try to justify their actions in light of the verse under discussion.
A study of the narrations of Prophet Muhammadsa makes it clear that physical abuse is forbidden in Islam, and has nothing to do with what is allowed in this verse. For instance, he makes a categorical statement against physical abuse in the following narration:
It is narrated by Mu‘āwiyah al-Qushayri, “I went to the Messenger of Allahsa and asked him, ‘What do you instruct us in regards to our wives?’ He replied, “Provide them with the food that you have for yourself, and provide them the clothing which you have for yourself, and do not beat them, and do not make them miserable.150
At another occasion, he said, “Do not beat Allah’s handmaidens” and condemned those men who chastise their wives even lightly.151 These narrations show how the fundamental teaching in Islam is kind treatment of wives and to never chastise them in any way. The permissibility of chastisement is only there in the rarest and most extreme of cases, and as a last resort to save the marriage from breakdown. This is further demonstrated by the following words of Prophet Muhammadsa:
Adopt righteousness in regards to women, because you have taken them from Allah through a contract (of marriage), and you have established intimate relationships with them with the permission of Allah. It is your right on them that they do not let anyone on your bed whom you dislike. If they do this, you are permitted to chastise them, but this chastisement should not be harsh (or physically harmful: ghaira mubarraḥin). Their right on you is that you provide them their food, and appropriate clothing.152
In this narration, Prophet Muhammadsa is being clear that the chastisement is allowed only in the extreme case where the wife is guilty of infidelity, and this permission is there only to save the marriage. Even so, the man is told that he should exercise this with extreme caution and ensure that he does not physically abuse his wife.
The fact is that Prophet Muhammadsa himself acted upon these teachings and even on such occasions when his wives became displeased with him or argued with him, he showed much patience and never ever resorted to “beating” them or even lightly chastising them in his entire life time.
This verse of the Holy Quran under discussion, when read in light of Prophet Muhammad’ssa own words and precept, is not providing license to men to hit and beat their wives. This verse is, in fact, laying down a stepwise approach by which a man must act to demonstrate his displeasure in response to continuous and repeatedly hating and injurious behaviour from the wife. First, admonition is prescribed; secondly, the postponement of all sexual relations and thirdly, a man is permitted to make his displeasure clear through a physical act that does not cause explicit, or permanent, bodily harm. This is the strict limit within which a man is permitted to display his displeasure.
Given that one in six men experience domestic violence even today in the UK, it is extremely important that the Holy Quran gives guidance on how a man should go about responding to abuse and violence, without recourse to a violent response at the very outset, which many men, unfortunately, may be prone to. By commanding men to respond in a stepwise approach, the Holy Quran diffuses the anger a man may be prone to, and channelizes it into ways that are more likely to bring about spousal reconciliation. As a result, this verse is a restriction, not a validation and open-ended permission for husbands to engage in spousal violence.
On the contrary, Muslims should look to the example of Prophet Muhammadsa regarding whom God says:
Say, ‘If you love Allah, follow me: then will Allah love you and forgive you your faults. And Allah is Most Forgiving, Merciful.’153
In this verse, the mark of love for Allah that a Muslim has is demonstrated by the extent to which he follows the example of Prophet Muhammadsa. The Quran again emphasizes the importance of following Prophet Muhammadsa when it says:
…whatsoever the Messenger gives you, take it; and whatsoever he forbids you, abstain from that.154
In light of these teachings, when we look towards Prophet Muhammadsa, we see that he said:
The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.155
Muslim men should emulate Prophet Muhammad of Islamsa by treating their wives in the best way, and by doing what his own wife Hazrat ‘Ā’ishahra stated:
The Messenger of Allahsa never beat any of his servants, or wives, and his hand never hit anything.156