Islamic Teachings on Marital Rights and Obligations, Polygamy, and Women’s Rights in Divorce

(Excerpt from Friday Sermon May 15, 2009)

I have previously mentioned that along with many other matters, Allah Almighty has given us guidance on family matters. I will present some of the verses of the Holy Qur’an concerning family affairs but before doing so I will talk about high standard of treatment of his family set by the Holy Prophet(sa).

On one occasion the Holy Prophet(sa) said, “The best among you is the one who is best to his wives, and I am the best among you in my treatment towards my wives.”1

The Holy Prophet(sa) then advised us that “if you see any weaknesses in one another or if there is a quality a husband dislikes in his wife, he should be mindful of another quality that he likes in her.2

So keeping in mind these good points, one should acquire the quality of sacrifice and should try to create the atmosphere of reconciliation. This commandment is applicable to both men and women. The blessed wives of the Holy Prophet(sa) were witnesses to the fact that his treatment with them was most excellent in all aspects of daily life. Whenever he wanted to go on a journey, he would draw lots with their names, and whosoever’s name was drawn would accompany him.3 If his wives fell ill, he would look after them.4

He was always considerate of their feelings but in spite of that he would pray to God that indeed He was aware that, as far as human limitations were allowed, he was just and fair with all his blessed wives; however, he had no control over his heart, and if his heart was inclined to one of them more than the others, due to a particular quality, he sought God’s forgiveness.5

The Holy Prophet(sa) would talk to Hazrat A’isha(ra) about the qualities of Hazrat Khadijah(ra): he said that she had become his companion when he was all alone. She had become his helper when he was helpless. She spent all her wealth upon him. Allah had blessed him with all his progeny from her. When the world rejected him, she validated him.6

His admiration for her good qualities and the love he had for her remained in his heart always. Despite the presence of living and younger wives, his wife Hazrat Khadijah(ra) was the most beloved because he had received most of his Divine revelations whilst in her apartment.7

When Hazrat A’isha(ra) asked him why, in spite of the presence of his living wives, the Prophet always remembered the elderly Khadijah, he responded by telling her lovingly to not be narrow-minded, and to inculcate fortitude, and explained that these are the good qualities for which he would always remember his first wife.8

Those who criticize the Holy Prophet(sa) and make baseless allegations against him, do they not observe the noble example of our master, the Holy Prophet(sa), and how he discharged the rights of his families? While all his behavior with his living wives was fair and equal, he had no control over his heart which was inclined towards the wife who had made immense sacrifices in the early days. He explained that this was because he was appreciative and, if he did not show gratitude in this regard, he would not be a grateful servant of God, who had never left him without any help and bestowed him with abundant blessings.

The Holy Prophet(sa) treated his wives with kindness because of the fact that Allah has commanded one to always be kind to one’s spouses and treat them with justice and equality. When he informed his followers that this is the commandment of Allah, and that they should follow it, it was he himself who set the highest example.

If Allah has permitted more than one wife, then Islam has laid certain conditions. This is one of the criticisms of Islam and the Holy Prophet(sa)—that this permission of [having] more than one wife is injustice to women and that it only takes care of the rights and sentiments of men.

Allah says, in the Holy Qur’an, that this is not unrestricted permission. He says:

“And if you fear that you, the society, may fail to do justice in matters concerning orphans, in the aftermath of war, then marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four. And if you fear that you will not deal justly, then marry only one or what your right hand possesses. That is the nearest way for you to avoid injustice.”9

This verse also safeguards the rights of orphan girls, so that marriage with them may not result in injustice. One should discharge full responsibility to them and ensure that their feelings are taken care of after marriage, and no one should think that since there is no one else to take care of them that one may treat them as one wishes. If a person fears his own temperament, or doubts that he will be able to do justice, then he should get married to a free woman. A person can only be allowed to marry two, three or four wives if he can maintain justice, otherwise, he can only marry one.

The Promised Messiah(as) says:

“There is no harm in marrying orphan girls who are under your care, but if you feel that you may not be fair in dealing with them because they are orphans, then marry women who have parents and relations who are watchful over them, who would respect you and make you be careful. You may marry two or three or four of them, provided that you can deal equitably with all of them. But if you feel that you may not deal justly between them, then marry only one, even if you should feel the need of more than one.”10

The Promised Messiah(as) used the phrase ‘even if the need is felt’. This is a very significant expression. The Hakam (Arbiter) and Adl (Judge) of the time has decided this matter for us, which is that one’s personal need to take more than one wife is not important, but the maintenance of peace and concord of society is.

At times complaints are received that despite having children, men make excuses to bring a second wife. If one cannot be fair and deal justly, then one should not marry a second wife. Justice includes all kinds of rights and responsibilities: if a person does not have enough income to support the expense of the family but still marries a second woman, then he deprives the first wife of her rights.

The Promised Messiah(as) says that if one has no choice but to marry a second wife, then one has to take care of the first wife even more than before.11 It is often seen in this society, that the rights of the first wife and the responsibility of her children are slowly eroded in disobedience of God’s commandments. Indeed, one has to be very careful that there is no unfairness in the financial and other rights of the first wife.

The Promised Messiah(as) said “it is his own opinion that a person should not put himself in a trial by getting married for the second time.”12

To fulfil the rights of one wife is such a big responsibility that a person can put himself in a trial by not accomplishing this and thus, he can become the recipient of the wrath and displeasure of Allah Almighty. The Holy Prophet(sa) used to pray to Allah that ostensibly he always tried to fulfil the rights of all his wives; however, if he expressed a certain wife’s qualities to the others, he sought God’s forgiveness. This is precisely in accordance with human nature and Allah Almighty knows everything, as He is the Knower of the Unseen. He created man and gave the permission of more than one marriage and has declared that a situation can arise that one may be more inclined towards one wife. In such instances, He commands that it is imperative that the apparent rights of all wives be fulfilled.

Allah says, in Surah Al Nisa:

“And you cannot keep perfect balance between wives, despite your best intentions, so incline not entirely to one, lest the other should be left suspended, unattended and uncared for. And if you amend and act righteously, surely Allah is Most Forgiving, Merciful.”13

So in such matters, where a person does not have full control over himself, absolute justice is impossible. On the other hand, absolute justice is imperative where a person does have the capacity to fulfil all the obligations. The simple necessities such as meals, clothing, arrangements for accommodations, and giving time for the wife’s needs are all included in those rights. It is not appropriate for a person to provide his wife with financial expenses but not give her enough time or attention. In the same way, it is absolutely wrong if he fully arranges for her accommodations but does not provide for her household expenses and leaves her at the mercy of others. So, as far as the apparent aspect is concerned, it is the total responsibility of a husband to fulfil all the responsibilities towards his wife.

In one narration, the Holy Prophet(sa) said:

“If a person has two wives, but is inclined only towards one wife, totally ignoring the rights of the other; then on the Day of Judgment, he will be raised in such a condition that one part of his body would be cut off and separated from the whole body.”14

Therefore, Allah says that a person displays righteousness when he takes complete care of the responsibilities and duties of both wives. There should not be a situation in which one of the wives is deprived of her rights and responsibilities. Do not neglect her to the extent that her rights are not being properly fulfilled. This should not be the attitude of a believer. It is the responsibility of a believer to protect himself from such acts that Allah has clearly forbidden and try to reform himself.

At times, complaints are received from women that their husbands do not pay attention to them and is more inclined towards the other wife. Sometimes certain cases come to my attention where there is only one wife, and the husband vows that he will neither look after her nor divorce her or let her leave. If the matter goes to the Qadha then it is unnecessarily lengthened; some men will not give divorce, so that in desperation, the wife seeks Khula and the man thus escapes paying the Haq Mehr (dowry). All these matters distance one from Taqwa (righteousness). If a person seeks God’s mercy, then he has to demonstrate mercy and reform himself. He should fulfil the rights of his wife and let her live in his house with respect. If a person wishes to partake of a measure of God’s mercy, he has to expand his own mercy.

The next verse of the Holy Qur’an states:

“And if they separate, Allah will make both independent, out of His abundance; and Allah is Bountiful, Wise.”15

Here, Allah commands that if there is no way to reconcile, then do not leave them suspended; one should separate in the best manner and part with dignity and respect. If a man has left his wife suspended, then the wife has the right to approach the Qadha and request Khula.

Allah says that a believing man and a believing woman could be considered to be following the path of righteousness if they are trying their best to live amicably with love and respect. If, in spite of these efforts, the relationship is still unsuccessful, then they should get separated in a dignified manner. He should part from her in the best manner, after fulfilling all her rights. This is the man’s duty and the woman’s right. Allah says that His limitless Bounties and His Mercy will create better arrangements for them afterwards. Allah will look after their needs and make them prosperous.

According to one Hadith, divorce is a most unpleasant act in the sight of God.16 However, if a relationship is based on Taqwa and all the efforts to continue the relationship fail, then Allah knows what is in their hearts. If separation is sought while inclined to Him, Allah Almighty makes bountiful arrangements for all concerned. Since Allah possesses the attribute of Al-Hakeem, the Wise, those decisions which are taken with the help of Allah are based on wisdom and are full of guidance directly from Allah Almighty.

This verse also establishes the principle that matrimonial relationships should not be based on emotions. There should not be any emotions involved in making those decisions, neither from the parent’s side nor from the husband or wife’s side; they should be made after careful consideration instead. People should pray to Allah and seek the guidance of Allah Almighty, who is All-Embracing. Matches made in this manner are blessed by God and He graces them with great scope. Allah states that if decisions are made in such a manner, then He will make them prosper and expand the couple’s provisions and He will bless their relationship.

I will mention another point about divorce: at times, men make matters of divorce drag on and try to prolong it. There are clear and distinct commandments regarding the rights of the wife after a marriage which has lasted a period of time, and also where there are children. When the relationship finally ends in divorce, the rights of the wife are quite clear. Haq Mehr and child-support should be paid by the men. However, Allah has commanded a man to fulfil the rights of a wife in the instance of a divorce, even when the ‘going away’ ceremony has not taken place and the marriage has not been consummated.

It is stated in Surah Al-Baqarah:

“It shall be no sin for you if you divorce women while you have not touched them, nor settled for them a dowry. But provide for them—the rich man, according to his means and the poor man, according to his means—a provision in a becoming manner, this is an obligation upon the virtuous.”17

In this verse, Allah states that if the man wishes to break up the relationship, then it is the duty of the man, whatever the reasons might be, to treat his wife in the best possible manner and pay all the dues within his capacity. If Allah Almighty had granted him with abundance of wealth, then he is commanded to show his abundance as well. If he fails to show it, then Allah has the power to curtail all of his abundance. If Allah had blessed him with abundance, and he is not kind towards his wife and does not pay her rightful dues, then Allah Almighty has the capacity to change his abundance into poverty. So, if a person wishes to earn the blessings of Allah, then he should show kindness towards his wife. Allah does not burden a soul beyond his capacity; that is why He said that if a person is righteous and pious then it is his responsibility to show kindness.

The Holy Prophet(sa) was most specific about this matter. Once, the matter of an Ansari man was brought to his attention. The man said that he had divorced his wife before settling on Haq Mehr and before consummating the marriage. The Prophet(sa) asked him if he had anything to give; he answered no. So, the Prophet(sa) told him that if he had nothing else to give, then he should give her the cap he wore.18

This illustrates the significance of the rights of women in marriage. This, of course, is an instance where Haq Mehr was not settled on. In the instance where it is settled on, but the marriage has not been consummated, then the command is to pay half of it.

The Holy Qur’an has clearly mentioned the commandments pertaining to the rights of woman upon their husbands and families, and these rights have been fully established. It also mentions the rights and responsibilities of the husbands upon their wives and children, and how to maintain those relationships. In citing these commandments, Allah says that these responsibilities are not beyond one’s capacity and power and that they should be fulfilled. There is another detail about this which I will not mention now; for today, two points are sufficient. Firstly, one should always follow the blessed model of Holy Prophet(sa) in regards to fulfilling the rights of women, and note how he established the highest standard in the treatment of his wives to gain the pleasure of Allah Almighty. Secondly, it is very important for every Ahmadi Muslim to put this blessed model in practice, especially men, and the obligations they need to fulfill.