Marital Disharmony and Friction

(Friday Sermon, November 10, 2006)

Hazrat Khalifatul-Masih V(aba) gave a discourse on marital disharmony and conflict in his Friday Sermon.

“O ye people! Fear your Lord, who created you from a single soul and created therefrom its mate, and from them twain spread many men and women; and fear Allah, in whose name you appeal to one another, and fear Him particularly respecting ties of relationship. Verily, Allah watches over you.”1

Nowadays, complaints regarding marital disharmony are on the rise. Sometimes, marital affairs and their conflicts result in bad and deeply hurtful situations. At times, coarse allegations are made against women and they are severely mistreated by their husband and in-laws. If it were not for the Grace of Allah, especially in the light of His commandment ‘Zakkir’,2 which means to ‘keep on admonishing’ and ‘admonishing always benefits others’, in addition to subservience and representation of the Holy Prophet(sa) and the Promised Messiah(as) whose attention is drawn to counsel and to advise, there would be a great despondence and hopelessness prompting one to leave these people in their state as they have crossed all limits. One hopes that there is a seed of decency in those people who believed in the Imam of the Age, as a result of which that seed eventually sprouted into a bud, and those people have now accepted Ahmadiyyat and will adhere to it. Therefore, according to Allah’s commandment ‘to admonish’ and the responsibility which has been laid upon me by Allah that I should counsel and advise in the hope that this counseling will be blessed, I will try to give some advice. I pray that may Allah bless and create such an effect in my counseling words that all the homes that are breaking will become a heavenly place. I have been trying to draw attention to this topic in my previous sermons, but today, I will explain it in more detail.

As I said, after receiving letters and after meeting with the Jama’at members, it is distressing to hear incidents concerning marital conflicts in the sense that our aims are high, yet we have entangled ourselves in an egotistical web born out of trivial matters; we are turning our heavenly homes into a place of hell. Instead of making a positive effort to support the progress of the Jama’at, our actions are completely negative. Whosoever is creating these problems, by entangling himself in his own web of ego, is not only creating troubles for himself and the other party, but also creating problems for the organization of the Jama’at, and for me as well. May Allah give them wisdom to understand the mission for which Allah raised the Promised Messiah(as).

The Promised Messiah(as) said his advent for which Allah has appointed him is to remove all animosities between the Creator and His creation and to establish the bond of love and sincerity between them. He also said:

“Allah has sent me in this world, so I can attract people towards their Creator and His Holy guidance with forbearance and gentleness, and through the light which has been given to me, show the right path to others. A man always needs some facts and evidence, so he can believe in the existence of God.”3

Hence, each Ahmadi should strive to fulfil this great objective. None of the Ahmadis can fulfil this objective of the Promised Messiah(as) until they rid themselves of their egocentric tendencies and finally act on that true guidance which the Promised Messiah(as) has given them.

If they do not have gentleness and courtesy in their own homes, then how could they show the path to misguided people, for they are lost themselves from their own path? Therefore, each Ahmadi should reflect on themselves and their homes and contemplate if they have unconsciously drifted away from the teachings of the Holy Qur’an and the Promised Messiah(as). They should assess whether they are under the influence of their own egos. Both men and women should self-reflect; in addition, both sides of in-laws should self-reflect as well.

Complaints are received from both the men’s side and women’s side regarding marital conflicts. It could be a fault of either side, even though, usually, it is the male side that commits the excesses. I recently asked Ameer Sahib to investigate the numerous complaints received on this matter and examine who is at the fault, whether the girl or the boy, or if the parents are also responsible for making this matter worse. According to the survey, the rate of incidents of culpability amongst men is three times that of women, whereas, in 30% to 40% of the matters, it is the in-laws who create the friction. In this case, the parents of the girls are still less responsible than the boys.

The boy’s parents always try to show their superiority over the girl’s parents. Sometimes the verbal aggression of the in-laws drives the girl to go back to her parent’s house. Although it is wrong of her to do so, it is also the responsibility of the boy to serve his parents as well as to fulfil the obligations towards his wife. If this happens, then the wife will generally serve her in-laws in a good manner. There are those who trust their daughters-in-law even more than their own children. It is not as if there is no virtue or sincerity in the community, certainly the majority of the community is firm on what is good. But these examples that come out are worrying as these should not exist at all. If similar surveys were conducted in the USA or in Canada as the one conducted in the UK, a similar picture would emerge there as well. The department of Tarbiyat and all the auxiliaries need to be very proactive in this matter.

Islam has given us beautiful teachings to strengthen our family relationships and establish an environment of love and affection. One is surprised and feels sorry for those people who entangle themselves in the net of their own egos, and make plans to create disorder in not only two homes, but two families, and sometimes, even a whole generation. May Allah have mercy on them!

The wisdom behind the announcement of the Islamic Nikah, where a man and a woman are tied into a new relationship, is that they agree that they shall most heedfully abide by the Divine commandments that are recited at the time. They will strive to act upon the commandments of those Qur’anic verses which are being recited at the time of the Nikah, so they can mold their lives according to those teachings. So, the first admonishment of these Qur’anic verses is to adopt Taqwa and follow righteousness. They agree to act upon the advice given at the time of the Nikah; they are giving their acceptance of the engagement under these commands. Therefore in reality, if they have true love and fear of their beloved Lord in their hearts, who fulfills their desires and needs not only at the time of their creation but also before that, then they will only do those works which can please Him and, as a result of this, they will be recipients of His blessings. Husband and wife are linked to each other by a covenant. If they promised to fulfil each other’s rights at the time of their Nikah, then it is their responsibility to further beautify this relationship, and to care for each other’s relatives.

Then they should also remember that if they care for each other’s sentiments and feelings, and are respectful towards each other’s relatives, those who seek to create splits in relationships will never be successful. Always remember that sometimes they are influenced by the society and the surroundings. If their foundation is based on Taqwa, then Allah will always protect them from these satanic attacks. If their relationship is based on trust and if they follow Taqwa, then the inciter, no matter how close they are to them, will not succeed. The inciter will only get one answer: the husband will say that he knows his wife very well and the wife will say that she knows her husband very well. There must be some misunderstanding. They should resolve this issue right away if a stranger goes up to one’s wife, and tells her rumors about her husband and then tells the wife not to mention him in any way because he doesn’t want to be questioned. He then goes to the husband, and tells him more rumors about his wife and also repeats not to mention him for the same reason. One who says something in private and does not want his name to be mentioned to anyone is only lying and trying to create problems and a split between the couple. If someone has sympathy for others, and they want to resolve the issue, then they should utter such words which may strengthen their relationship.

Therefore, both husband and wife should stay firm on Taqwa, pray for their mutual relationship to grow stronger and to have regard and respect for each other’s relatives. If there is an issue, no matter who created it, the husband and wife should clear it up by talking to each other with love and affection, so that the culprit’s lies will be exposed. Letting the issues fester creates nothing but hatred, rifts in relationships and broken homes. At times when they are not following the path of righteousness and have no fear of Allah in their hearts, men make dreadful allegations against their wives, either by coming under influence of others, or the society, or in pursuit of a second marriage. If the need for a second marriage is warrantable, then they may go ahead, but if the sole aim is to get rid of the wife and hope she may seek Khula so that if they have not yet paid the Haq Mehr they may avoid it, then it is a petty and mean ploy. In such instances the Qadha board should ensure that the Haq Mehr is paid to the women. The laws of these countries also hold them accountable for other expenses.

I also want to address some general matters. Sometimes a couple buys a house, solely with the wife’s money. At the time of separation, the husband will try to take partial payment from the house to his name. Although this is legal, in the sight of Allah he is clearly committing a sin. Allah Almighty says that if he has given a big treasure to his wife, he shouldn’t take it back from her. Not only this, the husband tries to snatch all her belongings and possess them. Sometimes, a man uses the excuse that the wife is disobedient and does not want to listen to him. She does not respect his parents, but rather disrespects them and fights with his brothers and sisters. She incites the children against him and by gossiping brings disrepute to the family in neighborhood and amongst friends. There are clear commandments in such instances:

“…And for those on whose part you fear disobedience, admonish them and leave them alone in their beds, and chastise them. Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Surely, Allah is High, Great.”4

It means that first you should counsel them. If they do not understand and cross limits, which cause a bad reputation, then strictness is allowed. However, this should never be an excuse to become harsh with the woman and to beat her so much that it results in a bodily injury. It is a cruel act. They should always keep in view this Hadith of the Holy Prophet(sa) in which he says that if there is a need of physically punishing her, then it should be in such a way that there are no marks on the body. A husband should not make excuses in other matters, such as why did you speak loudly in my presence, why is the bread cooked in such a way, why have you spoken to my parents in such a matter, why did you speak in such a manner etc. These are petty little matters. He has no permission to hurt her physically. So men shouldn’t try to adapt Allah’s commandment according to their own wishes and desires, but should rather have fear of Allah.

Allah Almighty says that if the wife has taken an extreme action and there is a need to punish her, then always remember that he shouldn’t have malice for her after this. If she submits to him fully and is obedient, then he shouldn’t commit any action against her.

Allah Almighty says:

“Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Surely, Allah is High, Great.”5

This verse reminds men that if they consider themselves physically stronger than women, let them be mindful that Allah is far Greater, Stronger and Mightier than them. Always remember that a woman has some status in front of them, which is almost an equal status, but the men have no significance in Allah’s presence. Therefore, they should fear Allah and they should refrain from these evil acts.

Another trend that is on the rise is that as soon as the marriage takes place, feelings of hatred begin. In some cases, hatred begins at the time of the marriage. Why do they get married in the first place? Unfortunately, it is on the rise in these countries. It seems that Ahmadis are being influenced by others, even though Allah Almighty has enabled Ahmadis to join the Jama’at of the Promised Messiah(as) and come under the influence of His pure religion. If the marriage is not to one’s liking, then one still needs to stay together and try to understand each other, according to the pledge of the Nikah; one ought to abide by Taqwa. However, if feelings of dislike continue to develop, before taking an extreme step, both are commanded to appoint mediators, involve relatives, ponder over it all and reflect over it. There are separate commandments for both parties.

It is regrettable, although not very common, that sometimes the demand comes from the wife on the first day of marriage that ‘even though we got married, I do not want to live with him.’ After investigation, it transpires that the marriage only took place due to parental pressure and that their intent was to marry elsewhere. Parents should think about this and should not destroy lives in this manner. There is a large number of men from Pakistan, India, etc., who marry girls living in these countries; as soon as their immigration status is confirmed, they find excuses to get out of this relationship, and then turn nasty. Allah Almighty says in Surah Al-Nisa, Verse 20:

“And consort with them in kindness; and if you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing wherein Allah has placed much good.”6

Therefore, if the marriage has already taken place, then the virtuous act is that they tolerate each other, treat each other kindly, understand each other’s feelings, and adopt Taqwa. Allah Almighty says that they do not have the knowledge of the Unseen, and only Allah knows the Unseen. He is the Lord of the Universe. If they treat each other kindly in accordance with Allah’s commandment, then their disliking will turn into liking. They will find goodness and their relationship will improve.

Hazrat Khalifatul-Masih I(ra) said that once he heard about a man who didn’t treat his wife kindly and was very abusive towards her. He said that one day he came across this person along the way. He taught him, in the light of this verse, on how one should treat his wife. The man went home straight to his wife and said, “Do you know that I always treat you like an enemy? Maulvi Nooruddin Sahib has opened my eyes and now I will always treat you kindly.” Hazrat Khalifatul-Masih I(ra) said that Allah Almighty rewarded him abundantly and he was blessed with four beautiful sons. He lived happily after that. If someone acts upon the commandments of Allah to gain His pleasure, He will always reward him abundantly.

Boys who come from Asian countries like Pakistan and divorce their wives after a few days of marriage saying they do not like their wives, and those boys who bring wives from these countries and then divorce them right away, make a petty excuse that they just do not like them. They say, “We only got married with them because our parents forced us to do so.” These boys should analyze themselves.

As I said these boys who create these problems are of two types. One type of boy lives in the Western countries and brings his wife from an Asian country and then assesses whether there is compatibility. Under the influence of the society, they assume that if there is compatibility between them then they will continue this relationship; otherwise they will kick the girls out of their homes. Such boys do not register their marriages after Nikah in those countries, so that they are not liable for giving any legal protection to the girls and nobody can take any legal action against them. Their actions show that they have no right to remain in this Jama’at and that even their parents are equally involved in these matters. However, the Jama’at protects those girls.

The other type of boy comes from outside the country (UK), marries a girl and tries to register their marriage immediately. Once the marriage is registered and they get the visa, they begin to find weaknesses in their wives and divorce them. Then they remarry with their own choice. So, both types of boy deviate from the path of Taqwa or righteousness. These boys should not be unjust to their own souls. They should not tarnish the image of the Jama’at. They should adhere to righteousness and follow Taqwa. Allah Almighty says that those who commit such injustice should always remember that there is a greater power above them who is most Dominant.

Another malady which is destroying homes after marriage causes fights and lack of peace in homes, is that despite the capacity to live independently, young men stay at their parents’ home along with their other siblings. If the parents are elderly, there is no one to help them and they cannot move around or help themselves, then it is the son’s duty and obligation to stay with them and serve them. However, if there are other siblings who live with them, then there is no harm in living separately. Nowadays, there are many problems that arise from these matters. It is not a noble act and they are not showing any kindness to the parents, rather they are committing more sins by doing that.

Recently a tragic incident has occurred in the Jama’at in one country. There was one family living together in the same house and each brother shared two rooms with their wives and children in that house. One day, two of the sisters-in-law had an argument over their children. When their husbands came home in the evening, one of the wives mentioned to him about the whole incident, telling him how his brother and sister-in-law said something about a dispute between the children. The husband didn’t even investigate the matter, picked up a gun, killed his three brothers, and then killed himself. So the four brothers died in the same home at the same time.

It may be that a joint family system promotes love and affection, but if it only increases hatred, then there is no commandment for it. It is then better to live separately. So, in all those matters, instead of making an emotional decision, one should use reason to make those decisions.

Allah Almighty says in the Holy Qur’an in Chapter 24, verse 62:

“There is no harm for the blind and there is no harm for the lame, and there is no harm for the sick and none for yourselves, that you eat from your own houses, or the houses of your fathers, or the houses of your mothers or the houses of your brothers, or the houses of your sisters, or the houses of your fathers’ brothers or the houses of your fathers’ sisters, or the houses of your mothers’ brothers, or the houses of your mothers’ sisters, or from that of which the keys are in your possession, or from the house of a friend of yours. There is no harm for you whether you eat together or separately…”7

Explaining this verse Hazrat Khalifatul-Masih I(ra) said that if the families follow the commandment of the Holy Qur’an, then the traditional hostility in the Sub-continent between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law would cease. It is obvious, as the verse clearly indicates, that separate abodes for parents and siblings are permissible, and there is no harm if they go to these homes, and they can eat anything they want. Sometimes people think that if they live separately from their parents they will commit a big sin. Sometimes parents emotionally blackmail their sons in staying together and tell them that if they live separately then they deserve hell. It is a totally wrong attitude.

Several times I have asked the girls about this; in front of their mothers-in-law they say that they are absolutely fine in living together with their mothers-in-law. However, if I ask them privately, then the girls say that they are forced to live with them. If somebody investigates the matter closely, then the result is that sometimes mothers-in-law behave atrociously to their daughters-in-law, and sometimes the daughters-in-law are similarly to blame.

The Promised Messiah(as) came to spread love, so being an Ahmadi you should promote this love and should desist from spreading hatred in this way. Most of the people live together with their families with respect and love; however, those who cannot should not make emotional decisions. If they have enough resources and there is an option of living in separate homes, then it is better to live separately. Hazrat Khalifatul-Masih I(ra) made an important point that if it is necessary to live together then why has the Holy Qur’an mentioned the separate homes of parents in the previous verse? It is important to show kindness to the parents, and not to complain to them nor even use a word expressing disgust and only approach them with excellent speech. People should adhere to those commandments all the time. The commandment to take care of close relations on both sides of the in-laws is a fundamental point at the time of the Nikah.

So, the important thing is that they should take care of each other’s needs and strive to eliminate injustice, whoever is causing it. As I have said before, sometimes the men are so unjust that by making false allegations about their wives, they humiliate them; sometimes women do the same thing as well. These men, who presumptively avail of “resources” that are available to them, but are not available to their wives, are preparing a fire of hell for themselves. They should have fear of Allah and rid themselves of such atrocious acts.

Sometimes, men have committed so much injustice that they flee with the children to other countries, separating them from their mothers, no matter how much the poor mothers are crying and shouting. These men still call themselves Ahmadi! They also make dreadful allegations against their wives, even though it is clear in the Holy Qur’an not to dishonor them for your own gains. Sometimes, all the relatives of the men are also helping them. Immediate action should be taken by the system of the Jama’at against such men and all those relatives who aid them. One can see what is written in the Holy Qur’an and what their actions are. It is unfortunate that sometimes office holders help such men as well and they do not follow righteousness at all. Then, there are some men who incite the children against their mothers and makes false allegations on the mothers in front of their children. All these acts destroy the children’s sense of morality. These men are just preparing a fire of hell for their children to safeguard their own egos. If the Jama’at takes action against these men, or if they are expelled from the Jama’at, still they do not care and leave the Jama’at for their own self-pride.

I also want to say something in the context of Waqf-e-Nau. In the situations where parents are expelled from the Community, their Waqf-e-Nau children are also expelled from the Jama’at. Local Jama’ats should investigate the matter on a local level. In Pakistan, the Department of Waqf-e-Nau always keeps a record of such matters. In other countries, Ameer Jama’at, or the Secretary Waqf-e-Nau, should take care of these issues. In case of pardon, each individual case is presented to the Khalifah, whether the Waqf is to be reinstated or not. This is why it is essential to maintain records.

Therefore, the actual purpose is to remove oppression and to create justice. Among the duties of Khilafat, justice and establishment of justice rank very high. Therefore, the office holders of the Community should be mindful that they represent the Khalifah in their tasks and ought to carry out their obligations fully mindful that God is ever watching them. If they are angry with someone over something, they should wait a couple of days before handling the specific matter. On the other side, the other party should not make false statements to obtain their rights unlawfully (they should avoid injustice).

As I have said before, if you keep in mind the admonishments mentioned at the time of Nikah, follow righteousness, and speak the straightforward word (Qaul-e-Sadid), then these problems will never arise. If you obtain your rights illegally, then you are committing falsehood and idolatry. The Holy Prophet(sa) said that if you cause me to make an unlawful decision, then you are putting yourselves in fire. If you are devoid of Taqwa, then it will make you commit idolatry. Thus, you should say Istighfar, seek forgiveness and mercy from Allah.

As I mentioned earlier, sometimes the fathers, who flee with the children to other countries, make false statements or incite the children to give evidence against their mothers in courts, snatch the children, or hide them unlawfully. Allah says in the Holy Qur’an, no mother should suffer pain because of her child or no father should suffer pain because of his child. If they do not follow righteousness and pay the rights and duties towards each other, then always be mindful, Allah knows everything and He sees everything. He will never let the wicked or the unjust go without punishment. Men should always be mindful that just as their parents have rights over them, the mothers of their children have rights over their children. As I said, and as the survey also showed, mostly the men are the ones who cause this injustice. So the men should look after their wives and provide them with all the rights. If they follow righteousness, then they will see, by the Grace of Allah, their wives will be obedient to them. So, rather than having broken homes, their homes will become happy and present a great example in the society.

The Promised Messiah(as) wrote a letter of admonition to one of his Companions:

“It is distressing that I heard from some of your truly beloved and devoted friends, that in matrimonial matters and the treatment of other family members, your behavior is extremely harsh towards them. Sometimes you are so impatient that you forget your limits. This complaint amazes me because all of those friends who mentioned you, actually praise your character and truly love you. Man has been made guardian for his wife, and he tries to use his superiority which he has over women to humiliate her or to show his own pride in petty matters. However, Allah Almighty and the Holy Prophet(sa) have enjoined much tolerance and patience in the treatment of one’s wife. So, I feel it is important to inform you about this. Allah says in the Holy Qur’an, ‘But consider them as your dear friend and treat them gently in this transitory world.’ The Holy Prophet(sa) said that ‘the best among you is the one who is best in the treatment of his wife.’ There is so much emphasis on the kind treatment of one’s wife that I cannot cover this in this letter. A man’s wife is vulnerable and weak and Allah has handed her over to you. Allah is watching over how a person deals in this matter. He should show kindness to her and should always remember that his wife is a temporary guest who has been allocated in his charge and He is watching over how far he can carry out the responsibilities of the guest. You are a servant of God and she is a servant of God as well. What preference or superiority do you have on her? A husband should not be harsh with her and should show mercy to her instead. He should teach her religion. Actually, my opinion is that a man’s wife is the first trial of his character. If I even speak a little harshly with my wife in anger, my whole body begins to tremble that Allah Almighty has handed me this girl [who has come] from far away. If I am ever harsh with her, I consider it as a sinful act. I then tell her to pray for me in her Salat that if it is against the pleasure of God, May Allah forgive me. I fear a great deal that I do not get involved in such an atrocious act. So I hope you will also do the same. Our Great Master, the Holy Prophet(sa) had much courtesy for his wives. What more can I write? Was-Salam.”8