Relating to Marriages – Excessive Spending – Marriage Ceremonies

(Friday Sermon, November 25, 2005)

“Those who follow the Messenger, the Prophet, the immaculate one, whom they find mentioned in the Torah and the Gospel which are with them. He enjoins on them good and forbids them evil, and makes lawful for them the good things and forbids them the bad, and removes from them their burden and the shackles that were upon them. So those who shall believe in him, and honor and support him, and help him, and follow the light that has been sent down with him — these shall prosper.”1

Every nation and every culture has a set of traditions, which they follow to celebrate their joyous occasions, including weddings. Whether they are Christian, Muslim or any other religion, they celebrate their joyous occasions according to their own ethnic or tribal traditions. Many religions have actually incorporated these traditions into their religious practices. Wherever you go, particularly in Christian societies, you can see that ethnic customs have been incorporated into religion. There are very few who completely ignore these traditions.

Islam is a complete religion; it does allow some expression of happiness on these occasions. For example, according to one narration, once Hazrat A’isha(ra) prepared a bride for an Ansari (native of Medina). The Holy Prophet(sa) asked her why she had not organized for songs to be sung as the Ansaris have a liking for songs. On another occasion, he said that the Nikah (announcement of marriage) should be announced in a pleasing manner and the tambourine played. But even with this, there are clear guidelines, as the Holy Prophet(sa) did not say that one is free to do anything one wished. Songs should be limited to a modest level of singing in a modest environment. These songs should have pure and wholesome lyrics. On one occasion the Holy Prophet(sa) himself expressed joy by putting some words together like this: “We come to you, we come to you, welcome us!”

So, it is incorrect to think that one can do anything, right or wrong, on the occasion of weddings and that there is no harm in it. Sometimes rude and vulgar songs that are embarrassing to the listener are played at weddings in our countries. The language of these songs is so absurd and vulgar, that I am surprised that anyone can listen to it. We are grateful to Allah Almighty that Ahmadi society is protected from this to a large extent. However, because of the way these trends are making their way into the Indian and Pakistani society, I do get complaints that some Ahmadis also get drunk, sing, and dance to celebrate their happy occasions and raise havoc. May Allah save us from these! This has occurred due to coming under the influence of those religious groups who have forsaken all their religious values.

So as I said, Ahmadis can also be influenced by the society. I have received rare complaints. Therefore, Ahmadis should be careful to protect themselves from these vulgar activities. Some songs are improper because Hindus use these songs as part of the worship of their gods and goddesses. They have different idols for different purposes. These idols have different names and they are asked for help accordingly. Our people listen to them and sing with them without realizing their meanings. Thus, on these joyous occasions, instead of beseeching Allah’s bounties and praying for the wedding to be blessed in every way and to result in progeny who will serve and worship Allah, they are inadvertently committing Shirk. Therefore, when I hear these complaints I advise them to stay away from such activities.

Another improper practice is dancing: people dance to absurd and vulgar songs at events held before a wedding and again when the girl goes to her husband’s house, with relatives joining in. This behavior is not permitted at all, but sometimes it is reported that some liberal and materialistic families do indulge in such behavior. Then some complaints are made that such families are not disciplined because they are wealthy or they are related to an office holder and so no action is taken against them. They say that such people’s behavior is ignored but if the poor act the same way, they are punished. This is just conjecture on their part; this suspicion is created if such occurrences are overlooked, either by mistake or because I am not made aware of it.

However, I would like to clarify that once these incidents, which shatter the dignity of the Jama’at and Islamic values, are brought to my attention, I take action without exception or discrimination. Therefore, you should eschew these suspicions.

Some families hold their separate programs with selected guests after most of the other guests have departed, and indulge in raucous and coarse behavior, including dancing. Dancing to vulgar songs is unacceptable, even if performed only among women or separately among boys. Therefore, today I am telling Ahmadis of Pakistan and India to reform themselves, as Hindu traditions are gaining popularity and making their way into common practice. The administrative system of the Jama’at, as well as auxiliary organizations, should keep a particular eye on weddings and to report any incidents of dancing to movie songs or songs that spread Shirk. They should not be intimidated by a family’s name and relationships. This is the season of weddings in Pakistan and rare complaints have been received. So these few months should be monitored closely and such behavior should be reported wherever it occurs. During wedding season people are influenced by each other.

In fact, most of the non-Ahmadi guests who are invited to our weddings appreciate our tradition of beginning with recitation of the Holy Qur’an, followed by recital of devotional poetry and ending with collective silent prayers before the bride is given away. Our tradition is that we send the couple away with prayers for their happiness and the bestowal of Allah’s blessings. We also pray for the offspring of the marriage to be pious and righteous. In addition to the poems, as I have already said, decent songs may be sung to express joy at a girl’s wedding. However, although the Holy Prophet(sa) mentioned that the Ansari liked singing of songs, he did not say it must be done. He said that if there is a particular ethnicity or a culture that like it and if it does not take one away from religion or bring in innovations which take one closer to Shirk, then there is no harm in it. He did not say that it is necessary that every tribe must beat a tambourine. It means that local traditions, which do not conflict with religion, could be adopted to express joy. This provides a light amusement as well and there is no harm in it if it is not an innovation in religion and it does not lead to Shirk. However, things that lead to Shirk or cause conflict with one’s beliefs cannot be permitted.

The marriage ceremony has a close connection with religion, which is why the Holy Prophet(sa) advised that preference should be given to the proposal where the proposed spouse is more righteous. It is true, as I have said before, that Islam does not tell you to forsake the world completely but it does not tell you to become so engrossed in it as to forget your faith. It is wrong to think that a wedding is purely a personal celebration and a personal matter. If that was true and a wedding was only an occasion for singing, playing music and making merry, then the Holy Prophet(sa) would not have advised us to begin a wedding ceremony with the praise of Allah Almighty and he would not have directed us to adopt righteousness. In fact, the entire Nikah sermon draws attention towards Taqwa (righteousness). The foundation of every aspect of marriage is Taqwa. Therefore, we should stay within the boundaries of what is permitted and keep to moderation. We should not step out of these bounds to create disorder in religion. We should always remember that a person who calls himself a Muslim should know that the institution of marriage is to spread goodness, perform righteous deeds and to raise a righteous generation. Parents and relatives of the marrying couple should keep this in mind and the couple should also be mindful that this is the purpose of marriage; it is not just for physical pleasures or vulgar fun.

The Holy Prophet(sa) married several times for these reasons and he enjoined marriage for the sake of religion. He did not approve of those who are always busy in prayers and dedicate all their time for religious work, but are mindless of their duty towards themselves and their families. He did not approve of those who marry only for wealth and beauty and are always worried about their worldly affairs and their families, but have no time for worship or for any religious service. In short, Islam does not permit us to indulge so much in worldly matters as to forget about religion. Nor does it teach us to live in solitude and to stay away from this world. Once it was brought to the attention of the Holy Prophet(sa) that one of the Companions had announced that he would not get married but would spend his time in worship and fasting. On hearing this, the Holy Prophet(sa) said, “What kind of people are these? I worship, I fast, I pay my dues to people and I married also, therefore whoso turns away from my tradition is not from me!”

Islam teaches us not to incline too much towards one thing and the Holy Prophet(sa) is the best model. Do not do too much or too little of anything. The Holy Prophet(sa) said that whoso turns away from my tradition, is not of me. In this there is a warning for those who look on marriage only as an occasion for having a celebration, assuming that they are at liberty to do whatever they like and think there is no harm in it. So the Holy Prophet(sa) said that those who turn away from his traditions are not of him. He said to those who indulge in excess: staying away from vain pursuits and establishing high standards of righteousness is to follow my tradition. Therefore, you should try to follow my tradition by treading a path of righteousness and by staying away from absurdity, sport and pastime.

Some people are influenced by other families, either imitating or competing with them and thus they waste their good deeds, for example, by singing songs that were sung at other weddings. All Ahmadis should be careful about this. If someone else did something, he will be accountable for it; you will be accountable for your actions. If a certain individual did something which was not reported to the Jama’at and hence he evaded any disciplinary action by the system of the Community, it is not necessary that the next person will also get away with it. Above all [remember that] everything, all good deeds that you do, are for Allah Almighty and He is watching. Therefore, if you want to belong to the Jama’at of the Promised Messiah(as), you have to avoid everything which is innovation to religion and causes disorder. There are many improper things practiced at weddings which are then copied by other people. Social ills take deep roots in a society in this way, thus corrupting religion and its organization. So, as I said before and am repeating again, do not hide behind examples of other people’s actions to save yourselves. Instead you should protect yourselves. In fact, if you see another Ahmadi do such things, you should report it, rather than using their example as an excuse, so that they and the whole society can be reformed.

I have already explained that if someone is dancing or playing indecent songs, they will be accountable for it. Some social ills may not equate to Shirk and may not corrupt religion directly but they are still undesirable activities. Moreover, these customs and trends are beginning to become a burden for people. Those practicing these customs are imposing hardship on themselves and difficulties for those who copy them. These include the dowry, overspending at weddings and Walimah and other undesirable and burdensome customs. We should be glad that we belong to a religion that relieves us from all these customs and rituals of society, family or tribes. These customs have made lives miserable and should be abandoned, not adopted!

The translation of the verse which I recited tells you that you are a follower of the religion and of the Prophet(sa) who came to relieve you from burdens. It relieves you from customs and rituals which become shackles around your neck and will enslave you. So why would you fall victim to these customs and rituals while you are a follower of the religion that relieves you from them? Allah Almighty says that you are the fortunate ones who are relieved from the burden of these shackles. Now you can prosper and act righteously and success will be at your feet. Therefore, we should realize that Allah Almighty is giving us glad tidings of progress by abandoning these undesirable customs. Yet we are increasing our emulation of worldly pastimes.

I have also mentioned some undesirable customs that often appear in our Jama’at. Some parts of our society incorporate these societal ills as if they are necessary for a perfect wedding. These trends might appear in other countries as well. However, since Indian and Pakistani Ahmadis were among the first to accept the Promised Messiah(as), many of you sitting here have ancestors who accepted him: they have the greatest responsibility not to allow any custom or ritual to make its way into society and become a burden. These customs have no connection or relationship with Islam, faith, or the teachings of the Holy Prophet(sa). Once one culture imposes its customs, others will demand the right to practice the customs from their own countries also. Some of these traditions are not in conflict with Islam and may be practiced. As I mentioned earlier, the Holy Prophet(sa) has given an example of the celebration of an Ansari’s wedding. On the other hand, the trends which conflict with your religion, no matter what nation they belong to, should be rejected. Ahmadi society is a united society and its mission is to establish unity in the world and raise the flag of Islam. If everyone started practicing their own customs, their religion would be changed and many things will make their way into it. These little things can lead to greater innovations into the religion. Therefore, we should be careful.

What is the model that the Holy Prophet(sa) has given us? His beloved daughter got married, as is common knowledge and everyone has heard the account. And what a simple wedding it was! Had he wished, he could have given her a lot. [These days] people take loans to make dowries. His Companions could have sacrificed a lot for him. There were many who were wealthy and could have given many things to him and yet the Holy Prophet(sa) gave her away in simplicity.

Hazrat A’isha(ra) and Ummul Momineen Hazrat Umme Salma(ra) related that the Holy Prophet(sa) directed us to dress and prepare Hazrat Fatimah(ra) so that he could take her to Hazrat Ali(ra). He outlined the preparation of the room:

“We clay-plastered the room, prepared two pillows stuffed with the peel of dates and offered dates, grapes and sweetened water to the guests. We took a stick and placed it on one side of the room so it could be used as a hanger for clothes or the water bag of leather. In brief, we have not seen a wedding better than Hazrat Fatimah’s(ra).”2

This narrative is only about her wedding. The Holy Prophet(sa) set a high standard according to the simplicity of that time. He told his daughter that simplicity is the right way and it earns the pleasure of Allah for which a true believer should strive. Later on, when on one occasion Hazrat Fatimah(ra) asked to be given a servant since her hands were full of blisters, the Holy Prophet(sa) said, “You should work with your own hands. There are many more Muslims who are more deserving of servants than you.” The point here is that the Holy Prophet(sa) emphasized and initiated the practice of simplicity from his own household. I do not mean to say one should also give only two pillows. This is an example of simplicity and you should adopt it. You should not burden yourself unnecessarily and nor should you wear the shackles of loans on your neck. You should stay within your budgets and work with what you have, and you can still fulfil this responsibility according to the customs and trends of the time. You should fulfil the responsibility of marrying your children as well as serving your guests properly while staying within your means.

In this context, I would like to share that many girls are getting married with the help of Maryam Shaadi Fund. Sometimes however, those who repeatedly benefit from it continue to demand for more, or they ask for a certain amount of money. So I advise those few, who are bothersome and sometimes insistent, not to be influenced by the customs and trends of society. The Holy Prophet(sa) came to liberate you from all this. He liberated you from all these issues. So, in this time, after you have entered the fold of the Jama’at of the Promised Messiah(as), you should strengthen your pledges. The sixth condition of Bai‘at says ‘He/she should refrain from following un-Islamic customs and lustful inclinations.’ He [the Promised Messiah(as)] emphasized contentment and gratitude. This condition of Bai‘at is for all Ahmadis, rich or poor. Every Ahmadi should take heed of this and give according to their means.

I have advised before and now urge that people must contribute towards Maryam Shaadi Fund, especially those who are wealthy. When they arrange their own children’s wedding they should consider it their duty to pay for the wedding of a poor girl also.

Another issue, which is being raised, is setting the amount of the Haq Mehr (dowry given by bridegroom to bride). If, God forbid, the marriage fails for some reason, very often the man delays paying it. Then action is taken against him because of that. Therefore, you should think carefully before setting the Haq Mehr amount, so it is not as a means to show off but what can actually be paid. It should not be set as a large amount merely to show off to the world and then later on cause conflict in society.

Hazrat Abu Hurairah(ra) relates that a person from the Ansar came to the Holy Prophet(sa) and said I have sent a proposal of marriage to a woman. The Holy Prophet(sa) asked him if he had seen her since the Ansar looked for something particular in women. He replied that yes he had. The Holy Prophet(sa) asked how much Haq Mehr had he decided to give? He replied, “Four Uqiya of silver (one Uqiya is 1.2 ounce).” The Holy Prophet(sa) asked, “Four Uqiya? So, are you going to dig through the corner of this mountain to give her four Uqiya of silver? I don’t have that much to give you. However, I can send you on a campaign so you are able to earn some spoils [from a war].” Then the Holy Prophet(sa) sent a squadron to Bani Abbas and sent him with them.3

The point here is that the Holy Prophet(sa) did not approve of a Haq Mehr that is beyond one’s means. Since it was not within this Ansari’s means, he said it was too much. Nonetheless, the Holy Prophet(sa) knew that he would ask it from him and from the treasury. Therefore, when he came to the Prophet(sa), the Prophet(sa) sent him on a campaign to earn some spoils and pay his Haq Mehr. This is why you should always think before setting the amount of Haq Mehr. It should be within your means and resources.

Issues regarding Haq Mehr create many conflicts. We receive many cases in Qadha and on these occasions the situation becomes uncomfortable. Before the wedding, the family of the girl tries to secure the man by setting a large Haq Mehr. However, after the wedding, if conflicts arise and the marriage ends in divorce, men try to avoid paying it by making various excuses. At this point, the situation becomes very painful for the Jama’at system and for me because he will be punished if he does not pay the Haq Mehr. The Promised Messiah(as) has given very clear instructions in this regard. I can share with you that once someone asked him, “How much should the amount of Haq Mehr be?” The Promised Messiah(as) said it should be set with the agreement of both parties. Both families should decide and agree upon the amount so that neither party is to blame at the end.

According to Islam, the Haq Mehr does not have to be set according to a particular amount written in the Hadith or in the other books of Fiqh (explanation of instructions). There is no limit on Haq Mehr. It is meant to be according to the custom of the time set by people. In our country [Pakistan], the problem is that the intention with which it is set can be different. Often the amount is set as tens of thousands with the intention to show off and to scare the man into good behavior; however, it can result in terrible consequences. Neither does the girl’s family really expect to receive it, nor does the man’s family have any intention of paying it. As the Promised Messiah(as) said that when conflicts arise, more issues are raised [regarding Haq Mehr]. He said, “Our religion says that when there is a conflict you should not pay the Haq Mehr until it is proven that this amount was set with mutual agreement and righteous intent, and that it is the correct amount. Then according to the man’s status and the current trend, the decision was taken. This is because neither Islamic law nor the common law will allow the implementation of bad intentions.”

The office of Qadha should be watchful of such cases. The Jama’at system or the Qadha Board should only mandate according to the financial status of the man and the amount of Haq Mehr should be set according to his means. On these occasions one has to dig deep into the matter. While status is being checked both parties should be truthful. The payer should not usurp the right of others, nor should the recipients fill their bellies with fire.

There is another issue regarding the Haq Mehr payment. Once a question was raised before the Promised Messiah(as) that a woman would not forgo her Haq Mehr (after the wedding, the in-laws wanted her to forgo it). The Promised Messiah(as) said, “This is a woman’s right. It should be paid firstly at the time of Nikah or afterwards. In Punjab and India, it is [considered] a benevolent act on the part of women if they forgo their Haq Mehr to their husbands before or at the time of death. This is only a custom.”4

Once, a Companion of the Promised Messiah(as) said, “My wife has forgiven me her Haq Mehr.” The Promised Messiah(as) asked if he had placed it in her hand. He replied, “No.” The Promised Messiah(as) said, “Go and place it in her hand and then it is acceptable if she forgives it.” When the Companion returned he said, “I placed it in her hand and she refused to give it back to me.” The Promised Messiah(as) said, “This should be the way.”5

This is the right way, that you should place it in her hand and then ask her if she forgives it. Therefore, those who make excuses and say “I said this or that,” should think before bringing a lawsuit.

I must mention another issue here. Yesterday I received a letter from a Bangladeshi Ahmadi who wrote: “My wife has passed away and I had not paid her Haq Mehr. What should I do now?” A similar question was raised at the time of the Promised Messiah(as). A person said that his wife had passed away and he had not yet paid her Haq Mehr nor asked her to forgive it. What should he do now? The Promised Messiah(as) gave the verdict and said:

“Haq Mehr is part of her estate and is a loan to you. You should pay it and it should be divided according to the division of inheritance with her other property. There is a share for her husband as well. The other option is to offer it as charity in her name.”6

Here in Europe, I see cases where some people think that whatever rights are given by the local laws to the wife are sufficient and there is no need to pay the wife’s Haq Mehr. The issue here is that the local laws provide rights primarily for children, if they have any. Even if they provide for the wife, it is for a limited time period. Therefore, in my opinion it is not permissible to demand that the Haq Mehr should not be asked for and that it should be adjusted as part of her legal benefits.

As the Promised Messiah(as) has said, the Haq Mehr should not be set more than a person’s means. The Qadha Board can calculate how much it should be for you. Once that is settled, it becomes a loan on you and a loan always has to be repaid. So, do not make excuses for not paying the Haq Mehr. It is a loan; it should be paid as a loan and it has nothing to do with the wife’s rights according to the law of the country.

On one occasion the Promised Messiah(as) questioned how could a person who is worth only ten rupees pay a Haq Mehr of one lakh (one hundred thousand)? That is why the system of Nizam-e-Jama’at has the right to amend or determine the amount of the Haq Mehr according to the means of the person. Non-Ahmadis have made many strange customs and they have made a mockery out of religion. They have added absurd customs and trends; for example, in the time of the Promised Messiah(as), it was prevalent in India (and I took this example from there) that the Haq Mehr was two muns (approx. 80 lbs.) of mosquito fat. Obviously, it is neither possible to collect that much fat, nor will the dowry be paid. The Promised Messiah(as) said this trend is absolutely wrong. We should be grateful that we have accepted the Promised Messiah(as) who has saved us from the verdicts and decisions made by these non-practicing scholars. Therefore, the couples getting married and their families should show gratitude by practicing truth, righteousness and having Qaul-e-Sadid (straightforward talk).

Another wedding expense that has greatly increased is that of food, causing those with lesser means to struggle with the cost and to ask for help. Often the bride’s family spend extravagantly, as do the groom’s, even though in Pakistan it now forbidden by law to offer food or host such receptions. Yet people still do it and find new ways to do it. When they are told that the expense should be according to one’s resources, they reply that they only made one dish. The question is – is that not a deception? If you do not have resources, you should not do it. In any case, you should obey the law. Or whatever you normally eat should be made and only as many people that it can feed should be invited.

Likewise, some affluent people waste a great amount of food at their weddings. Eight to ten dishes are prepared which are not eaten and thus wasted. Many of these people are from Europe who go there (Pakistan) to get married themselves or arrange their relatives’ marriages and show off that they have come there for the wedding. Sometimes what happens is that there is a lot of leftover food that is not even given away to the poor so that it could be used. Therefore, if you can afford all this, it is better to donate it to the weddings of the poor.

In addition, a great deal of effort is very often spent on extraordinary decorations. Some people who hold weddings in Rabwah suffer from a kind of inferiority complex. Generally, people from here and Europe, and a few from Rabwah, do not use the local businesses for wedding arrangements but make arrangements from elsewhere e.g. Lahore, because they think the quality is higher there. The local people from Rabwah do not have the means to do so, and often do not do so. Of course, everyone has the right to make their own choice but it should not be based on an inferiority complex. An Ahmadi should not have this kind of complex at all, or any other complex for that matter. These requirements turn into shackles gripping your neck.

Secondly, there are people in Rabwah who run businesses for wedding arrangements and they should be kept in mind. All facilities are available in Rabwah now. Those who are trying to run their business in Rabwah should be given consideration. It is a small city; these business men are there to give service to Ahmadis so Ahmadis should give them an opportunity. I am also telling the business owners that they should raise their standards of service and make products of higher quality so there is no deficiency. They should compete with others and keep their prices reasonable so no one can make an excuse about higher prices. This is the secret of running a business. When Hazrat Musleh Mau’ud(ra) established Rabwah, he advised the shopkeepers to keep the quality of their products high and their profit margin low and that this would make their businesses shine. Deceptive practices do not make a business succeed. May Allah enable all of them to follow these guidelines!

May Allah enable us to free ourselves from all these customs and rituals so we are able to lessen our burden! May we be enabled to act on Allah’s commandments and follow the tradition of our Prophet Muhammad(sa). And may we always give preference to our religion over this world in keeping with the teachings of the authority and justice of the time. To give preference to your religion over this world is an action that enfolds all other righteous deeds and directs one’s attention to let go of all vices and absurd customs. So, we should pay special attention to this.