Matrimonial Matters in General – Marriage of Widows – Criteria for Finding a Match

(Excerpts from Friday Sermon, December 24, 2004)

“And marry widows from among you, and your male slaves and female slaves who are fit for marriage. If they be poor, Allah will grant them means out of His bounty; and Allah is Bountiful, All-Knowing.” 1

Currently, we are facing many issues regarding marriage; every day there are letters about it. They come from girls and from women concerned about their children’s marriages. Those girls and boys who are economically challenged have their own issues. Widows have their own issues. Some are still at a marriageable age; some want to remarry for security but are facing problems. However, some do not remarry even though they have the desire to do so because of fear of the critical eyes of society.

Each group has its own set of issues. I would like to talk about marriage of widows in some Eastern societies. In these societies marriage of a widow is considered unacceptable, even a sin. Therefore, those who wish to get remarried, even if they have a decent proposal, are unable to do so because as I mentioned earlier, their relatives consider it to be a major sin. These women are gossiped about in so many ways that they are pushed deep into depression and lose interest in their own lives. The irony here is that while in Europe, these families become open minded and liberal in other matters, some of which are not even allowed by Islam, but in the matter of marriage of widows which is actually a commandment from Allah Almighty, they are overcome by a false sense of honor.

Allah Almighty says in the Holy Qur’an:

“And marry widows from among you and your male slaves and female slaves who are righteous for marriage. If they be poor, Allah will grant them means out of His bounty; and Allah is Bountiful, All-Knowing.” 2

This is the commandment from Allah Almighty and should be followed by everyone. Allah Almighty clearly declares that if you wish to spread righteousness in society then try to arrange marriages for widows. Allah Almighty extends this commandment to the respectable slaves and maids of that time, in order to avoid spreading social ills in the society. Those who are poor should not despair either. This is a commandment of marriage. These days we do not have slaves, however, in many poor countries, people do not have the means to marry. The Jama’at and some individuals do help in this regard. So, Allah Almighty says that do not think that they cannot marry because of poverty. If a man does not work, is unemployed, or has no means of earning, his marriage should still be arranged and the Jama’at has a system for helping such people, as it should. So usually, except in a few cases, when this help is given they realize that now they are married and have a family to support, they have to try to find some work, business, or employment.

Under the wife’s pressure he is more inclined to find a job. There are many examples of poor people whose circumstances improved after marriage.

So Allah Almighty says that this is His work, He is All-Knowing. He knows how things will turn out for any person. So society should focus on making an effort to arrange marriages for widows and the poor. In this way, society will be protected from many vices. There are many widows who want to marry again and are in financial need or have other issues. After losing their husbands, they face challenges in society and they want to find peace and protection rather than enduring these problems. So Allah Almighty has instructed that marriages for widows should be arranged to solve their problems and for the protection of society.

So this is Allah Almighty’s command, but as I have mentioned there are some people in society who dislike it. They dislike it even while living in an Islamic and Ahmadi Muslim society. Every Ahmadi Muslim should remember that the erroneous traditions, which have come from non-Ahmadi Muslims and other religions, should not take root in our society. We must get rid of them.

Allah Almighty allows widows, once they have concluded the waiting period of four months and ten days after the death of their husband, to make the decision about marriage on their own. They are not required to have the decision made for them, nor do they need permission from their elders. The only condition is that the marriage should be arranged in an acceptable way and as long as the society is aware of the marriage, there is nothing wrong in it.

So, widows are given the right to make decisions about their future and they are granted permission to do so. The people around them are advised not to put hurdles in their way without a good reason or because of their own relationships. If marriages are being arranged in the proper and legitimate manner, then Allah Almighty has granted permission for them. There is no sin on them in this regard.

Elders of the family or relatives should not place hurdles or discourage remarriage by saying that so and so is not a good proposal for you, it should not be happening, or it is not right etc. The widow has the authority to decide for herself. You are free from any responsibility. Allah knows what is in your heart. If you are trying to prevent a union for a good reason, then tell her truthfully but then step back and let her make the decision. Allah Almighty knows what is in your heart and He knows your intentions and you will not be accountable. If you have good intentions, you will get a reward for it.

In this regard, Allah says:

“Those of you who pass away and leave behind their wives then those wives should wait for four months and ten days and when they reach this prescribed time they should decide for themselves according to the appropriate way and there will be no sin on you and Allah is well aware of what you do.” 3

The Promised Messiah(as) said:

“The commandment of marriage for a widow is the same as marriage of an unmarried person. Some nations consider the remarriage of a widow to be dishonorable and this bad custom has become widespread. That is why Allah has given a commandment regarding remarriage of widows. However, this does not mean that every widow needs to get remarried. Remarriage should be only for those who are fit for it or have a great need to be remarried. Some women are old when they are widowed; others cannot marry due to certain circumstances such as an illness. Or she has enough children and had such a good relationship that her heart will not allow her to have another husband. In such situations, it is not necessary to force a widow into marriage; however, the bad custom of forcing a widow to stay alone for the rest of her life should be abandoned.” 4

The Holy Prophet(sa) has explained the rights of a widow in this way:

“It is related by Ibn-e-Abbas(ra) that the Holy Prophet(sa) said, “In the matter of marriage, a widow has more right than her Wali (guardian) to make a decision. However, an unmarried girl would be asked by her Wali and silence on her part will be considered her permission.”5

So it is clear that widows have superior rights, as the condition for unmarried girls is that her Wali should make her decision. It is because the commandments from Allah Almighty are given to bring about righteousness and peace in society. A widow has experienced life and its ups and downs and has the capacity to make her decision thoughtfully; thus she has been given this right. But an unmarried girl can make the wrong decision due to her inexperience and that is why her guardian is given the right to make a decision. However, she has the right to disagree with her father or guardian. In the event that she is not willing, she can inform the system of the Jama’at and have her decision made by the Jama’at. However, she is not permitted to take any step on her own. This could be harmful for the welfare and piety of a society and there is a danger that it will create disorder.

It happened many times that a girl would go to the Holy Prophet(sa) and say that her father would like her to get married to such and such man and the Prophet(sa) always gave a decision in favor of the girl.

Sometimes girls do not wish to marry a certain person. Once a girl came to the Holy Prophet(sa) and asked, “Do we women have any rights in making decisions about our marriage?” The Holy Prophet(sa) said, “Absolutely you do.” She said, “My father wants to marry me to such and such old man.” The Holy Prophet(sa) said, “You are permitted to refuse.” However, that pious girl went on to say, “I only wanted to establish the rights of women, but I do not wish to break my father’s heart as I love him, and so I am willing for this marriage. I just wanted to make sure that women’s rights are safeguarded and that is the reason that I came.”6

On another occasion, the Holy Prophet(sa) called off a marriage planned by the father against the will of a girl. It is related by Hazrat Abdullah bin Abbas(ra) that a woman’s husband died. She had a child from that marriage. The younger brother of her husband (the uncle of the child) asked for her hand in marriage from her father. The woman was also in agreement; however, her father had planned a marriage somewhere else without her consent. On this, the woman came to the Holy Prophet(sa) and complained. The Holy Prophet(sa) called her father and asked about it. Her father said, “I have settled her marriage with a man better than her brother-in-law.” The Holy Prophet(sa) called off the planned marriage and married her to the uncle of the child, her brother-in-law. 7

Now, in this instance, the right of the widow was upheld. It was important to regard her wishes as well. However, it is important to remember that in the Jama’at, any man an Ahmadi Muslim girl wishes to marry has to be Ahmadi Muslim. The reason for this is to safeguard a righteous society, promote virtues and to have righteous offspring. If Ahmadi Muslim boys reject Ahmadi Muslim girls and Ahmadi Muslim girls refuse Ahmadi Muslim boys in order to marry others [non-Ahmadis] there is a grave danger of disruption in families and in the Jama’at. Their children will be in danger of going astray from faith. Therefore, there should be compatibility in religion as well as compatibility in worldly matters.

Some of our young girls and boys have a desire to marry outside the Jama’at. We need to pay attention to this matter, especially in today’s liberal society. The system of the Jama’at is also more concerned about this as the frequency of young people following their own desires and marrying outside the Jama’at is increasing.

In another Hadith, it is related by Hazrat Abu Hatim(ra) that the Holy Prophet(sa) said that if a man with good morals and piety comes with a marriage proposal, his offer should be accepted. If you do not accept [such a proposal] discord will spread in the world. The person who asked this question, tried to ask again. However, the Holy Prophet(sa) repeated this three times, that if a man with good morals and piety comes with a marriage proposal, his offer should be accepted. 8

So, the Holy Prophet(sa) has emphasized that if a man is righteous, his proposal should be accepted even if he is not well off. It is Allah Almighty’s promise that He will increase a person’s means if he is steadfast in his faith. Therefore, when proposals are received for daughters the response should not be delayed. In fact, if the righteousness of the person is satisfactory, the proposal should be accepted. Similarly, the Holy Prophet(sa) instructed men that a woman’s physical and material assets should not be considered but it is her righteousness that should be considered.

Hazrat Abu Hurairah(ra) related that the Holy Prophet(sa) said:

“There are four reasons for which a man marries a woman; her wealth, her family background, her beauty, or her righteousness. You should however prefer a righteous woman. May Allah bless you with a righteous wife” 9

In this manner, he actually directed attention to the means of attaining righteous progeny and a harmonious home. If a mother is righteous, then usually the children are righteous. There is no wealth greater than the peace of mind that comes from virtuous and righteous children. Only a righteous progeny can bring honor for parents in an Ahmadi society, so every Ahmadi should pay attention to this.

The complaints that are now received more frequently are that a girl is righteous, pious, with good morals and is educated and she participates in Jama’at activities; however, she is a little compromised on her beauty or stature. People come to visit her and go away. Once before I have brought this to your attention that since facial beauty and stature are apparent in pictures, why do you need to visit her home and see her in person to bother the family? It is the commandment of Allah Almighty that you should not pay attention to these minor details and instead look at her righteousness.

This is why the Holy Prophet(sa) said that if you wish to safeguard your next generation then pay attention to righteousness. If you prefer a righteous girl, then you will be the inheritors of the prayers of the Holy Prophet(sa) and you will see your next generation treading on the path of righteousness.

Some people, while looking for a match, examine a girl in such a way as they would examine a goat before its sacrifice. Marriage is a contract. It does not mean that one party is to be sacrificed; rather it is in the name of sacrifices made by both for each other’s sake. This is the relationship referred to by the Holy Prophet(sa), as narrated by Hazrat Abdullah Bin Amr(ra) when he said:

“This world is a provision for life and there is no better provision for life than a pious wife.” 10

So, people who conduct materialistic calculations should keep this Hadith in mind that there is no better provision for life or materialistic world than a righteous woman. A righteous woman will safeguard your home and she will raise your children with high morals. As a result, you will inherit the blessings of both the religion and the world.

There is another narration by Hazrat A’isha(ra) that the Holy Prophet(sa) said:

“You should make arrangements so that the righteous men and righteous women may get married to each other.” 11

This refers to arranging marriages between righteous men and righteous women. This noble service could save the community from disorder; therefore, it should be done in a timely manner. However nowadays I meet a large number of unmarried men, aged 34-35 years old, who accompany their parents. These parents have kept their sons with them; they did not give any attention to arranging their marriage. Some people behave in a similar way towards their daughters to benefit from their earnings. Others do so to benefit from the earnings of their sons. Families benefitting from the earnings of their daughters do so because their sons are useless, uneducated and unemployed, and therefore they depend on the income of their daughters. Even when these girls get married, parents try their best to keep the son-in-law in their house, which is usually not possible. This causes rifts in the household.

Therefore, if the girl and her husband would like to live separately in their own home after marriage and their parents are not that old and dependent on them then they should be left alone to make their own home. However, if parents are old and weak and do not have any other child at home, then the situation is different and a sacrifice should be made. This is normally the responsibility of sons but if there are no sons then a daughter should take this responsibility. But in ordinary circumstances once a girl is married and sent to her husband’s home she should be left alone to build her own household. Our Jama’at system with the three auxiliaries, Lajna, Khuddam, and Ansar, should pay attention to this matter. This advice should be rendered through their Tarbiyat programs with Ansar advising fathers, Lajna advising girls and their mothers, and Khuddam should advise boys.

It is related by Hazrat Mugheera(ra) that he sent a proposal for marriage to a family. The Holy Prophet(sa) said:

“You should see the girl because after seeing her, there is a better chance that you will develop understanding and affection between each other.” 12

Nowadays this permission is interpreted in the wrong way by society. It is being interpreted as allowing the boy and girl to be alone together or go out together so that they can develop a relationship. Even going together to a different city or sitting together alone for hours in the home is considered to be permissible, but this is not right. The reason for making this allowance is that seeing each other face to face makes it easier to form an opinion of each other.

Some characteristics become apparent while talking to someone and thus there is no harm in sitting together with the family for a meal. Many traits and behaviors become noticeable during the sharing of a meal. In case there is some behavior which a person may dislike, it is better to find out before marriage rather than have problems afterwards. If good qualities are seen, then a better understanding and liking can develop for that proposal and sometimes a bond with the proposed person can develop before the wedding.

Sometimes there are malicious people who like to break up a match once the proposal is accepted, but they will not succeed when the two parties have met face to face and know each other. Then there are families that go to the other extreme where they will not allow the boy and girl to even see each other while arranging a match or before the wedding. They think it is a matter of honor. Islamic teaching is very balanced; it is neither excessive nor deficient, it does not go to one extreme or the other. This is how it should be followed and this is how tranquility will be brought about in society and disorder removed.

In these times, the Promised Messiah(as) made a heartfelt effort to implement the commandments of the Holy Qur’an and of the Holy Prophet(sa). He especially drew attention to the importance of arranging marriages for Ahmadi girls and boys within the Jama’at so that the next generation stays firm in the religion. The Promised Messiah(as) put emphasis on marrying within the Jama’at and there is a lesson in that for those who marry their children outside the Jama’at.

The Promised Messiah(as) said:

“By the grace, bounty and divine provisions of Allah Almighty, our Jama’at is making great progress and now numbers in thousands and soon with the grace of Allah will number hundreds of thousands” (Now it numbers in millions.) “I feel it advisable to devise a good system for arranging marriages for our boys and girls in order to promote mutual accord among ourselves and avoid the bad influences and actions of our close [non-Ahmadi] relatives. It is obvious that it is not possible for the Jama’at to establish new relationships with those who have reached the limits of prejudice, enmity, avarice and hostility under the influence of the opposition of the mullahs, unless they repent and enter the fold of the Jama’at. The Jama’at is not dependent on them in any way. The Jama’at includes such people in abundance who excel in wealth, money, education, proficiency, family dynasty, righteousness and in having fear of God. Besides this, the Jama’at consists of people from all Islamic nations so there is no need for our Jama’at to make new relationships with those who call us disbelievers, or label us as Dajjal. Even when they don’t say it themselves, they praise and follow those who do.”13

And

“Remember that anyone who cannot leave such people is not worthy of entering our Jama’at. As long as a brother does not leave his brother and a father does not leave his son for the sake of purity and truth, they are not from among us. O Members of my Jama’at! Listen with attention that for all the righteous people it is imperative to strictly adhere to these conditions. Therefore, I have made arrangements that in future a ledger must stay with me with complete secrecy and total confidentiality, wherein the names of girls and boys of the Jama’at are entered. And if the parents of the girl are unable to find a boy in their family who is from the Jama’at, bears good moral character, and is at the level of their satisfaction; or in case of a boy, they are similarly unable to find a girl; in such cases, it is imperative upon them to allow us to find someone from the Jama’at. And every one must feel confident that we shall with true sincerity and sympathy for the parents try to find a suitable match for their boys or girls. Furthermore, it will be kept in mind that the match is made from a family of the same lineage or nationality, and if not, then at least they are from among those who usually don’t mind making relationships among each other. High priority will be given to their good conduct, character and potential for progression towards goodness. This ledger will be kept secret and at times as the situation calls for, the information will be passed on. This ledger will be kept confidential and no opinion will be shared about them without having verified their intellect and chastity.” Some people ask us to tell them beforehand. “Therefore, it is incumbent upon those who show their allegiance to us that they submit a list of their children with names, ages and nationality, so that it can be recorded in the ledger.”14

This was the announcement made by the Promised Messiah(as). Accordingly, the department of Rishta Nata (Jama'at matrimonial department) is established in the center of the Jama’at and all over the world. Some people are interested in providing this service on an individual basis so the Jama’at has assigned them some of this task. The Grace of Allah makes matches; however, we still have to face some challenges. May Allah remove them!

This is also an answer to those who say that we should be allowed to marry our children outside the Jama’at. The Promised Messiah(as) has said that even when they don’t call us non-believers themselves and don’t pass verdicts about us, yet they sit in the company of those who do and agree to what is said about us. They do not say anything out of fear. They go in their Mosques and they listen to them. Therefore, they belong to them and we should not make new relationships with them. Then the Promised Messiah(as) advised us to send the names of girls and boys. Now we have this department of Rishta Nata and as I mentioned, it is in the Jama’at the world over.

People complain about their daughters not getting married. One of the challenges is that parents send in the names of daughters but they don’t send the names of their sons. If the boys are also in the list it will make it easier to make matches. In general, girls outnumber boys, 51-52 girls versus 48-49 boys, out of every hundred. However, if the profiles that are received by the Jama’at are looked at, they are in the ratio of 7-8 girls to 1 boy, so it is very challenging to find matches. If both sides send their profiles, then it will become easier to make matches. In the case of boys, parents try to make a match by themselves. Except in the case where the marriage of a boy is being arranged within their close relatives or immediate family, profiles of boys should also be submitted. In this manner, we would be able to marry these girls. In addition to the parents, the boys should also pay attention to this matter and first they should try to marry the girls within the Jama’at; if they don’t find a girl from among their families then try to find one under the Jama’at system. Then again, some people get caught in the issue of family lineage, race, or beauty etc. I had mentioned some of it earlier that they reject the proposal based on these criteria. They are so deeply caught in these issues that the girls are left unmarried. The issue of different castes should also be dropped now.

In this regard the Promised Messiah(as) said, “Different races are not a label of nobleness. Allah Almighty has only made us different castes or tribes so we could be recognized, and besides these days it is hard to find out the caste beyond four generations. It does not behoove a righteous person to get caught up in the issue of caste. When Allah Almighty has decided that the caste of a person is not certified and that real respect and greatness lie in righteousness, we should not be caught up in these issues.”

I pray that Allah Almighty enables us to establish these relationships according to the ways of righteousness. May He enable us to get our children married, and according to the commandments of the Holy Qur’an enable us to help orphans and widows to get married at an individual level and at the level of the system of the Jama’at and of the society. May all those parents of girls who are worried be relieved of these worries, Ameen.