Huzoore Anwer (may Allah be his Helper) said:
“It is seen that the tongue, ears and eyes play a significant role in marital conflicts. Men do not make use of them properly and women do not make use of them properly. I have mentioned this before as well that when couples ask for advice, I often say to them that if they use their tongue, ears and eyes properly as regards each other, their problems would never arise. If gentle and affectionate speech is employed, problems can never arise. Similarly, it has been generally seen when cases and problems are brought up, be it men or be it women, it is the tongue that goes on prolonging conflicts. A time comes when they make their minds up or are inclined to make their minds up that they do not want to be together. Likewise, you should shut your ears to those matters relating to close familial (
–rehmi) ties that are likely to create resentment. Sometimes if a person or a party says something wrong, the other also retorts back in kind. If one shuts one’s ears for a short time in order to stop an ongoing argument, many problems can subside there and then and apart from the problems of habitually quarrelsome men and women, generally conflicts do not come to pass. Therefore, shut your ears and you will come in peace.
“I often relate an account and it is a true account that a husband and wife were quarrelling while a little girl was watching them in astonishment. A short while later, they both realised the error of their way and in order to cover their embarrassment they asked the girl did her mother and father never argue or speak harshly with each other or did not get upset? The girl replied, ‘Yes, if my father is angry my mother stays quiet and if my mother is angry my father stays quiet and the disagreement does not go any further in our home.’ This can lead to have a positive influence on children. Keep your eyes shut to each other’s shortcomings and keep your eyes open to each other’s good qualities. After all, each person, be it man or woman, has good qualities as well as shortcomings. I have seen that men are usually the first to start spotting shortcomings of women. However, when women start looking for shortcomings in response, they go so far ahead that there is no turning back. Moreover, one should not even look at what is forbidden in faith and that which dishonours one’s righteousness. Domestic problems can damage mutual trust but if purity of sight is maintained then this damage does not occur and problems go away. Do not let your heart be desirous of what is forbidden, keep it filled with fear of Allah the Exalted. This results in problems never arising and Satan does not steal into our hearts like a thief and cause discord in our homes. Indeed Satan is not like a person whose comings and goings are clear to us. Each bad company, each bad friend who will try to destroy your home, who will try and incite you against your husband, against your mother-in-law, against your sister-in-law, or will try to incite a husband against his wife, or one who will say something trivial that will create anxiety in one’s heart, is a Satan. Thus, it is the obligation of each believing man and woman to be heedful of such satans. The foundation of the union of marriage is strengthened once mutual trust is established. If trust is lost then the very same palace that was erected with the promise of love and affection is razed to the ground; in fact it turns to ruins.”
(Address delivered on 23 July 2011 at Jalsa Salana UK. Published in Al Fazl International 4 May 2012)