(So go on reminding; surely, reminding is profitable. [87:10]) there would be great despondence and one would leave these offenders to their own devices for they exceed all limits!”Huzoore Anwer (may Allah be his Helper) elucidated marital problems and their solutions in his Friday sermon of 10 November 2006. Following are some extracts from the sermon. Huzoore Anwer said:
“Complaints regarding marital conflicts are on the increase again. At times extremely coarse and heinous matters are brought to attention in which allegations are made against each other or women are severely mistreated by the husbands or the in-laws. If it were not for the grace of Allah and His commandment (So go on reminding; surely, reminding is profitable. [87:10]) there would be great despondence and one would leave these offenders to their own devices for they exceed all limits!”
Huzoore Anwer (may Allah be his Helper) said regarding such people: “Because righteousness is not being followed and there is no fear of God, therefore sometimes swayed by what others say or influenced by their surroundings men make dreadful allegations against their wives, perhaps in pursuit of second marriage, a quest that sometimes develops in some people and they most casually make allegations against the first wife. If someone is keen on second marriage, if the need for it is warrantable then they may go ahead, but they should not disgrace the poor first wife.”
Huzoore Anwer added: “Sometimes men use the excuse that the wife is disobedient and does not listen. Not only does she not respect his parents, rather she disrespects them, fights with his brothers and sisters and she incites the children against them and brings the family into disrepute by gossiping with her friends in the neighbourhood. There are very clear commandments in this regard:
“‘…And as for those on whose part you fear disobedience, admonish them and leave them alone in their beds and chastise them. Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Surely, Allah is High, Great.’ (4:35). That is, first counsel them and if they do not listen and exceed limits and a lot of notoriety is caused in the surroundings, then strictness is allowed. However, it is not permissible to use this as an excuse to physically chastise the wife on small trivial matters in a way that may cause injury to her. This is an extremely cruel act. The Hadith of the Holy Prophet (may peace and blessings of Allah be on him) should always be kept in view in which he said that if ever the need for physical chastisement arose it should be carried out to an extent that did not leave any mark on the body. Physical chastisement is not allowed on excuses like, ‘you spoke harshly to me’, ‘why did you cook bread for me in this manner’, why you said such and such in front of my parents and spoke in that way and other strange and small matters like these. Allah’s commandments should not be moulded according to your own wishes and you should fear God!
“Allah the Exalted goes on to say that if your wife takes an extreme step for which you have had to chastise her then remember not to foster malice in your heart. When she reverts to completely obeying you, do not be harsh to her:
“‘Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Surely, Allah is High, Great.’ (4:35). Remember if you consider yourself physically stronger than women, be mindful that Allah the Exalted is far Greater and Powerful than you. A woman has some significance before you, in fact she is equal to you however you have no significance before God Almighty. Therefore, fear Him and desist from these actions.
“… Some men are so cruel that they make extremely foul allegations and disgrace their wives. Sometimes women also act in this way but because men have more resources available to them and have more power and are more conversant with the outside world, they make greater use of this. However, they should remember that in their presumption they may be availing of the situation, yet they are preparing fire for themselves. They should have some fear and abandon these practices.
“Some are so far gone in cruelty that they flee with the children to other countries, and are still known as Ahmadis. The mother is left screaming and wailing while they make wrong accusations against the mother and deprive her of her children despite the fact that we have ascertained that the Holy Qur’an states wrongful allegations should not be made in order to gain benefits. What is worse is that such men are helped by all their relatives. The Jama’at should take immediate steps against such men and against all the relatives who aid them and the Jama’at should recommend disciplinary action against them. Observe what the Quranic teaching is and what the conduct of such people is! It is regrettable that sometimes some office-holders help such men and righteousness is not practised by anyone involved. The allegations, children having to give statements, the mother being criticised in front of the children in an extremely inappropriate way, all this ruins the children’s sense of morality. Such men push their children in the fire to feed their own egos. And the sense of honour for faith of some men dies such a death that if they are disciplined due to such conduct and are excommunicated from the Jama’at, they still do not care and abandon faith for their ego!
“… Anyhow, as I said the real need is for us to remove oppression and create justice and among the major duties of Khilafat is doing justice and establishing it. Therefore office-holders of the Jama’at should also be mindful of this responsibility that the Nizam e Jama’at which they serve, operates in representing the Khalifa of the time. Therefore it is their foremost duty to fulfil all requisites of justice. It is a huge responsibility and everyone ought to carry out their obligations whilst being fully mindful that God is ever watching them. When making decisions, when making recommendations to the Khalifa of the time, every type of personal relations should be disregarded. If someone’s conduct has angered you, then wait a couple of days before making recommendation so that it is not a biased referral in any way. Involved parties should also remember that sometimes they say the wrong thing in order to attain their rights, or one should say, they demand what is not rightfully theirs.’
“Just as I mentioned earlier, some parents take the children to another country or put them in hiding or gain custody by either giving false statements or by making the children give false statements. Allah the Exalted states that a mother should not be hurt because of her children and a father also should not be hurt because of his children. Allah the Exalted states if you do not abide by righteousness and do not fulfil each other’s rights, remember Allah the Exalted is aware of everything. He is aware and He also watches and Allah does not let go of those who are cruel. Thus fear Allah at all times and be ever aware that just as your parents have rights over you, the mothers of your children also have rights over their children. As I said and it was made evident in the overview as well that mostly these injustices are perpetrated by the father, this is why I am drawing attention of men to care for their wives and give them their rights. If you abide by virtue and righteousness then, with the exception of what God wills, generally speaking your wives will be devoted to you. Rather than break up, your homes will flourish and will be exemplary in their surrounding!
“The Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) wrote a letter of advice to one of his companions in which he said: ‘It has been a source of pain to hear from some of your true friends who have a sincere connection of affection with you and who think well of you that you are most severe in matters regarding treatment of your wife and family. That at times you do not have control in moderating your temper. I have not seen this complaint as incredulous because first of all those who mentioned it are convinced of all your good qualities and have sincere affection for you. And secondly because God has given a sort of authority to men over women and men wish to exercise this authority on trivial matters with the intention to discipline or owing to [their] sense of honour. However, as Allah the Exalted and His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) have enjoined extreme forbearance and tolerance in consorting with women, I thought it necessary to advise someone as pious and fortunate as you are regarding this counsel. Allah the Exalted states:
“‘…consort with them in kindness…’ (4:20)
“That is, consort with your wives in a manner that has no aspect contrary to high morals and has no brutal element. Rather, consider them your sincere partner in this transitory world and consort with them in kindness. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) said ‘The best among you is he who is best towards his wife’. So much stress has been laid to consorting with kindness that I cannot [adequately] write it in this letter. My dear, the wife is meek and fragile who has been entrusted to man by God and He watches over as to how each man treats her. Gentleness should be employed and it should be borne in mind at all times that my wife is a dear guest who has been entrusted to me by God Almighty and He is watching over as to how I undertake the conditions of hospitality. I am a creature of God and she is also creature of God, what control do I have over her! Man should not become blood-thirsty and should be kind to wives and should teach them faith. In fact my belief is that the first instance of testing man’s morals is his wife. If sometimes by chance I am a little harsh to my wife, my body trembles with the thought that God has entrusted me with an individual from hundreds of miles away, perhaps I sinned in acting like this. I then say to her to pray for me in her Salat that if what I did was against the will of God, may He forgive me. I am very cautious lest we are embroiled in any cruel act. Therefore I am hopeful you too will do the same. How forbearing our chief and master, the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) was with his wives. What more can I write! Wassalaam’ (Al Hakm, Vol. 9, No. 13, dated 17 April 1903, p. 6)
“May Allah the Exalted make us follow the paths of His pleasure and enable us to do the most excellent deeds that His Prophet (may peace and blessings of Allah be on him) and the Messiah (on whom be peace) imparted to us.”
(Friday sermon delivered on 10 November 2006 at Baitul Futuh, London. Published Al Fazl International 1 December 2006)
Huzoore Anwer strictly admonished concerning such matters at another occasion and said:
“Some men leave their wives and make wrong and foul allegations about them, which is not right in any way. The Qadha Board should not even listen to people who make allegations against their wives. Administrative measures should be taken against them and Ameer Sahib should request for them to be excommunicated. In short, foulness is being created in Western countries including Canada.”
(Friday sermon delivered on 24 June 2005 at International Centre, Toronto, Canada. Published Al Fazl International 8 July 2005)